I'm scared, I'm honestly so scared. I see what is happening to myself, and the world around me, and I don't know if I'm doing it right. I don't know the world is doing it right. In my head I can come up with a every different alternative to every move, I can see a 10 problems with every news headline. I grew up thinking I was a genius, and have seen myself do too many stupid things to believe it anymore. I saw the world as just waiting to become a heaven on Earth, and I fear most places are closer to hell. Every single thing I do is important; it's important because it has consequences. I choose who I want to be in the world. Last year and the summer felt like the end of a good dream, and this year feels like heartbreak. And I feel like its all important.
I feel lonely.
I feel trapped.
I want the consequences of my life, as an end result to be positive. All these thoughts and feelings surround me everywhere I go, a whole world, like an echo of the chaos of the world we live in. I have an ego that wants to hold the whole world in the crux of its arm. I have heart that skips a beat for every passing face. I feel so PRIVILEGED, and so useless
. I feel like the result of a massive sigh, building up all this air inside of me all my life, filling myself up for some big thing, only to realize that I can't hold on to it all, and letting it all out in one large anti-climatic deflation. And then I don't care.
And I remember that no one cares. Or very few do. And I want to care. But I care too much.
And so I write.
And laugh. And sing. And dance. And produce. And cry. And scream. I run through the sanctuary, to the park down the roads, and back to where I started.
At school. And there I learn. And when I graduate I'll still be learning. And I remember every time I messed up. And every time I got it right. And when I look back I bet it all won't seem as big as it seems now.
But, for now it seems big. SO, I'm going to stop moping and moaning and do some homework! I'm going to learn to speak Chinese, play the piano, produce a song, write a book, start business. AND CHANGE THE WORLD.
Even if it means I only inspire the person who someday will.